just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
