Where did you get a picture of my penis
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
