im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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