yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
