I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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