so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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