We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
