In the future we'll all be gay
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
