I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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