the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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