Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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