i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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