i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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