Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
