I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
