Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
