We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
