I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
