so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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