I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
