Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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