I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
