i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
