i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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