she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
