i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
