So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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