oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Found your dick twin last night
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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