I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
