he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
