What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
