Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
