my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
