Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
