you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Boobs are out for the taking
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
So. Much. Porn.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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