my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
