I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
