If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
