I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
