Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
