If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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