I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
