textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
