I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
