About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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