I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she peed on how many people?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
