Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
