Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
