fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
