That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
