My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
